Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis gathered his senior staff in his Capital One Arena executive conference room. After watching the Las Vegas Golden Knights put on two nights of an extended pregame show full of celebrities and theatrics, he wanted to do something.
“They had Cris Angel! Lil’ John and Imagine Dragons! A NASCAR driver, and that guy who announces boxing matches! Who do we have in DC?” he asked.
His phone buzzed on the conference room table. He looked at the incoming text message from celebrity chef Mike Isabella: hey brah u got xtra room in the box for gm 3?
He blocked the number, and looked back up,
The staff members looked at each other, puzzled. None of them were actually from DC, so they had no idea.
“Let’s get the interns on this! said Ted, “have them round up any DC celebrity they can find.”
DC Celebrity #1: Ian Mackaye
Interns Tyler and Jeff left Capital One Arena in the morning and headed to Columbia Heights. One of them knew that former Fugazi frontman Ian Mackaye frequented a coffee shop in the area.
They spotted him as he was leaving, and tried to catch up to him. He ignored their shouts, and continued to walk faster. He glanced over his shoulder with an annoyed look on his face, then suddenly ducked into an English basement apartment and bolted the door. The interns knocked, but there was no answer. They decided to park their car across the street and wait.
After several hours with no sign of Mackaye, a shirtless Bob Mould jogged by.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy from Husker Dü?” asked Tyler.
“Nah,” replied Jeff, “that guy died years ago.”
DC Celebrity #2: Pat Sajack
Intern Liza had no problems getting ahold of game show host Pat Sajack. As a season ticket holder, he planned to attend game three anyway. He agreed to a live pre-game interview.
An NBC crew met Sajack and Liza at his seats. He was friendly, and very knowledgable about hockey and the Capitals.
But as the interview came to a close, Sajack blurted out “tell me one thing though, if global warming is real, why is there ice in June?”
DC Celebrity #3: Wale
Wale agreed to perform a free concert on F Street in front of the National Portrait Gallery. “This is going to be lit,” exclaimed his intern handler, Becky.
The concert went off without a hitch. It brought together hockey fans, Wale fans, and many passersby who were thrilled to see a free concert.
Later that night, Becky looked at her email and saw something from her Capitol Hill neighborhood listserve. There was a 28 post thread started by someone named Karen, who complained about the noise and the cursing. She demanded that her ANC representative investigate the permits.
DC Celebrity #4: Jose Andres
After blocking Mike Isabella from ever calling or texting him again, Ted Leonsis called Jose Andres and invited him into the owner’s box. Andres gladly accepted. When the Capitals scored their first goal, Leonsis and Andres were shown bro-hugging on national television.
Meanwhile, Mike Isabella saw this while sitting at the bar at one of his restaurants. In a drunken rage, he threw his cocktail glass at the hostess, and told the bartender she was too fat to work for him.
Facing yet another lawsuit, his public relations manager skipped town.
DC Celebrity #5: Henry Rollins
Intern Erin used a family connection to get in touch with Henry Rollins. He gladly accepted the invite, but insisted on meeting NBC commentator Pierre McGuire.
“I’ll see what I can do,” said Erin, but Rollins persisted.
Erin directed Rollins to a media room, where a lower level reporter was setting up to interview him. As they walked down the hall, Rollins spotted a door labeled press box.
Suddenly filled with rage, he yelled and stormed the door, kicking it open. A startled Pierre McGuire looked up, then ducked, covering his head with his arms. Rollins grabbed the little man, and put him into a headlock.
“SAY SIDNEY CROSBY SUCKS,” he growled.
“I don’t suck,” said McGuire.
Surprised, Henry loosened his grip, and as he looked up, he spotted Sidney Crosby sitting in the corner of the room with a large remote controller in hand, and wearing an earpiece and microphone.
Rollins dropped McGuire, who started convulsing when he hit the ground. Sparks and smoke came out of his ears.
“Gosh darn it,” exclaimed Crosby, “I spent a lot of money on that robot!”
DC Celebrity #6: Donald Trump
Watching game 3 from his private quarters in the White House Residence, Trump pointed at the television during a shot of the Capitals during the national anthem.
“Look at all of those fine Americans standing for the national anthem!”
“Most of them aren’t American, sir,” replied his aide.
“What about that one,” he asked when the camera showed Devonte Smith-Pelly, “isn’t he one of our African Americans?”
“He’s Canadian,” said the aide.
The camera showed Ryan Reeves. “What about that one, that boy has to be one of ours.”
“Also Canadian,” said the aide.
Growing frustrated, Trump asked “well who here is American?”
“Brooks Orpik, sir, he’s from California.”
“AGAIN I ASK WHO HERE IS A REAL AMERICAN?”
At 4:30 the next morning, Trump sent out a Tweet:
I plan to impose a Tariff on foreign born Hockey players. Enough is enough. Let’s Make Hockey Great Again!
Three hours later, Justin Trudeau declared war on the United States.
“Well that was a disaster,” said Ted Leonsis, “and we’re now at war with Canada.”
The staff nodded, somewhat uncomfortably.
“So…Pat Sajack is a climate change denier, white women don’t like Wale concerts and Henry Rollins exposed Pierre McGuire as a robot,” mused Leonsis, “suck on that, Vegas!”
Three weeks later, a door opened from an English basement in Columbia Heights. Ian Mackaye emerged, and noticed a commotion across the street involving police and medical examiners.
He walked over and tapped a police officer on the shoulder.
“Ian!” said the officer, “what can I do for you?”
“What happened here?” asked Mackaye.
“These two poor kids starved to death in this car,” replied the officer, “not sure what they were doing.”
The officer pulled out his phone. “Hey Ian,” he said, “can I get a selfie with you?”
He looked up and turned around, but Mckaye was nowhere to be seen.